I Hate Myself My Life And Everything

I Hate Myself My Life And Everything – There’s no escaping it: last year was a year of fear. The threat of disease and death is everywhere. Many people have lost their jobs or are afraid of losing their jobs at any time. But what is fear? What are we so afraid of? Looking at “The Five Big Fears,” Zen teacher Lewis Richmond asks us to consider our own fears.

In Zen we say, “Life and death are great things.” It’s kind of an investigation to take spiritual practice seriously, but as my teacher said, “Don’t take it too seriously.” There is little ego and too serious. After all, life and death are two sides of the same coin. They rise together. This is the Buddhist view. And therefore the fear of death is also the fear of life. Fear arose for both of them.

I Hate Myself My Life And Everything

Fear is a protective reaction of the ego. The ego wants to hold, to own, not to let go. In the sutras this is sometimes referred to as a “tight fist”. The ego is afraid that if it doesn’t hold on to what it has, it won’t get what it needs. “At least I understand!” he thought. “Better to keep what I have than to take my chances by letting them go.”

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So one of the things that the ego really loves is life — being, being, breathing. It’s like a line from the movie Chinatown (spoken by Jack Nicholson, who just got his nose cut by a bad guy) – “I like my nose. I like to breathe through it.” So far so good – we should take reasonable precautions – but the life that is in a fist is a very limited life. The ego fears death, but this fear also flows into life.

A life fully lived – a life that is terrifying – is not a life of clenched fists, but of open arms. If you see a Buddha statue with open arms outstretched, it represents courage and generosity. A Zen Koan said, “If you have a staff, I will give you one. If you don’t have one, I will take one.” Staff live and die, things live and die.

A nursing assistant, a man who also holds a black belt in judo, once said to me as I lay bedridden, recovering from a fatal illness, “Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid.”

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The Five Great Fears of Buddhism are fear of death, fear of disease, fear of losing one’s mind, fear of losing one’s livelihood, and fear of public speaking. I think the reason Buddhism calls these fears “great” is because each of them mobilizes the full force of our nervous system’s threat response (which is why the panic fear of public speaking is included on the list). Today I want to talk about the first – the fear of death.

To most of us who are not sick or overly neurotic, the fear of death seems remote and theoretical. It’s only when we step off the sidewalk or do a bungee cord jump that our ancient primate neurology overrides all rational thought and we are flooded with panic.

In fact, death is an ever-present reality; it lives on the border of self and ego and defines our life. We live because we are not dead; Even though our daily lives are full of jumbled thoughts, feelings, and plans, on another level we have a low-level alert system that is always on the lookout for any threats.

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Buddhism understands that from the ego’s point of view, the prospect of death is literally unthinkable. The ego cannot imagine dying.

As we get older, this alert system changes. In addition to monitoring moment-to-moment threats such as a speeding car or loose banisters, our threat scan begins to intuit a distant but slowly approaching dark cloud—a coming end, an end. It’s often the sudden death of someone close that brings this home; and then the frequency of visits to hospitals and funerals gradually began, like drums in the forest.

The Buddhist approach to all of this is very practical, really. Buddhism understands that from the ego’s point of view, the prospect of death is literally unthinkable. The ego cannot imagine dying. It has no reference point for it. But there is another aspect of consciousness that can not only be understood, but also known. There is a saying in the Zen tradition, “Birth and death are great things.” That’s where real Buddhist practice takes root.

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The second of the five great fears in Buddhism is the fear of disease. At the time of the Buddha, and for most of human history up to the present, this was a tremendous fear. Diseases are everywhere. Infants and young children, as well as adults, are frequently stricken by cholera, diphtheria, influenza, smallpox, and other infectious diseases that are currently curable or controllable. How quickly do we forget that penicillin – and all subsequent antibiotics – were only discovered more than a hundred years ago. In America and other industrialized countries where people have access to modern medical care, we live in a virtual security bubble.

The disease was a harsh teacher, but now, when I look back, I know that it also gave me a gift, not least the freedom from the fear of it.

I say apparently because the fear of illness runs deep, and it never goes far from the surface. In dharma terms, the fear of disease, like the fear of death, is rooted in our ego’s identification with the body, in the constant low alertness to threats to it embedded in our nervous system. Some of the traditional Buddhist monastic training – thereby punishing the physical body, with poor diet, exposure to heat and cold, and little sleep – is partly designed to cut off identification with this body, so that we see a deeper reality than I do. Such training may be for the young and the tough, but nowadays people of all ages and physical conditions – including those with chronic illnesses – want to practice the Dharma. We must find another way.

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I have been sick a lot in my life. I count ten years of my life as I battled a life-threatening or debilitating illness and recovered from it. Illness is the essence of my practical life. I have to face it; I have no choice. During any of my illnesses — cancer, neck injuries, encephalitis — I would think, “I’d do anything to not be like this.” But I am like that, and there is no choice. The disease was a harsh teacher, but now, when I look back, I know that it also gave me a gift, not least the freedom from the fear of it. If you’ve been through the worst, nothing can be worse in comparison. The ego is somewhat relieved of its worries.

In a section of Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five, POWs are lined up in winter. Everyone was cold and shivering and miserable. Occasionally one would end up dead, but the German guards naturally forced the rest to continue. One prisoner kept trying to comfort everyone with this litany: “It’s cold, it’s not cold. Troy, New York, winter of ’36 – it’s cold now!

He kept saying this in a comical voice, trying to distract the other men from their plight – until the moment he himself was cut to death. His litany, I often think, is a kind of mantra against fear. He knew about Troy, New York, winter of ’36. He has training.

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Totally a topic downer! Who wants to think or talk about dementia, Alzheimer’s, losing your mind? But it is the “third great fear” in Buddhism, so clearly the ancient Buddhists wanted to talk about it. They know that the best way to change and get rid of fear is to face it. Well, today I’m going to try something that might not be possible – find a positive, uplifting, and encouraging way to talk about this.

Well, let’s start off honestly: nearly everyone over a certain age knows someone who has dementia (probably a parent) or is worried about getting it themselves, or both. It’s a huge new taboo subject, replacing sex and money. Try taking it to a party and see how far you can go. Let’s also point to the bright side of the obvious: until recently, most people didn’t live long enough to reach dementia, so the disease is a by-product of modern medicine’s gift of longevity. I kind of doubt anyone reading this will be uplifted by that fact.

I said in a previous post that the ego does not imagine death. But it can imagine losing control, losing its abilities, seeing its own slow destruction. For many people, this prospect is more terrifying than death, precisely because not only can we face it, we can also witness its destruction

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