I Cheated And I Hate Myself – Hello Internet! Welcome to ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating column to graduate at the top of his class from the Polygnostic University of Transylvania.
This week we have a question that comes up a lot: How do you keep your lack of dating success from growing into resentment in your soul? What does it take to break out of the downward emotional spiral of self-loathing?
I Cheated And I Hate Myself
Ways to get rid of an emotional nose. Buckle up boys and girls, because this is going to be a long one.
Why I Don’t Feel Bad About Cheating On My Husband
Doc, you have to help me. I’ve always been inept with women and it’s starting to get to me. I’m not socially anxious, I’m fully capable of holding a conversation, etc. But when it came to actually asking women out, when I found out (which was rare), I turned away. This happened in 6th form, university and beyond. At the same time, I get more and more frustrated/angry/sad and wonder how broken/inept I am, and how I will never be a man (negative bias and negative spiral). Cut to age 25 and I have major issues with still being a virgin. I pay for sex, feel horrible and strangely intimidated or abused by the experience. But I keep coming back because I don’t see any other way to have any kind of intimacy with a woman (more negative bias and negative spiral). After seeing a therapist for a few years to deal with my depression and anger at couples and women in general, I finally managed to get a girlfriend at age 30. And hey, I’m leaving the dream – intimacy, pillows, love, support, trust … Obviously, I didn’t see escort when I saw it. I have always been faithful. I also gave up porn because he asked me to. We broke up in January this year after I found out she was cheating on me. His “reason” was that we had drifted apart. I had seen him a little less while I was taking care of my mom while she was going through chemo, but I didn’t and I don’t agree that we drifted apart. so my feelings towards her can be summed up as “your disloyal judgmental high maintenance cheating entitled child”. And this is after she’s been a jealous bitch through our relationship, upset about me seeing female friends, checking my phone, etc., and I was like “hey, this isn’t cool, but let’s work on relationship because that’s what people do.” I did everything the internet told me to do. See more of my friends, go out and socialize to expand my social circle, continue to practice my martial arts, improve my fitness, focus on things I like. But through all these alleged things I am so angry and feel totally worthless in relation to women. I know this is a pattern of behavior of mine, and it’s not rational, and I only had one relationship so it’s not a wide sample at all. Despite all the knowledge, I feel helpless at the prospect of even starting to look into dating or even asking someone out. I think she’ll say no, or she’ll say yes, and then something will go wrong because I guess I was terrible at relationships or sex because no one ever said yes to me, so I never practiced that I am like that. behind the game might even stop playing because the only way to face this is to get a goddamn time machine and change the story so it gets the experience from before. Again, I understand that this is not rational. But knowing that a pattern or feeling is not rational does not prevent you from being swept along by it. I just feel hopeless. And laugh. I laughed at myself for being so deluded that I thought I could ever like a woman or be a man. I’m in love with work and seeing her just makes me depressed because it reminds me how pathetic I am. Masturbation depresses me. That’s all I’m good at. Going in a handkerchief or in the bathroom because I’m so disgusting or broken or I’m missing something. Going into the bathroom after pooping is a good metaphor for my worth as a sexual being. So, any advice beyond the things I’ve already tried to do? Thanks drowning in my own crappy feelings
Hi DimOSE, I want you to know that writing about all this is really cool. Even under the cover of anonymity, it can be incredibly difficult to open up about these problems that are clearly brewing inside you all the time.
People – myself included – have dealt with it. You, like others, are beginning to realize that in many ways you are your own worst enemy. These negative emotions and self-limiting beliefs are insidious because they enter your brain and whisper toxic words in your ear—and part of what’s so insidious about these words is that they are instantly believable because you hear them in your own voice. . No wonder you feel like crap all the time; it is almost impossible to believe in yourself when you are constantly beating your own soul in the nuts.
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However, it says a lot that you are willing to take ownership of it. Being willing to actually put all of this out there and take ownership—recognizing that it’s irrational, that it’s self-reinforcing and self-inflicted—is important. Many people externalize their self-loathing and blame others. Externalizing your problems removes your focus on control – it puts your life in the hands of others. This is a mistake. People can
Do or feel ways if you don’t allow them. As a wise person once told me: pain is inevitable, but suffering is
Hard, I won’t lie about it – you only have the final say in how you feel about things, if you want to take it.
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Yes, I know: it sounds like woo-woo feel-good bullshit and you didn’t write to blow smoke up my ass. You wrote for practical advice. Fortunately, there are practical steps you can take to get out of this maelstrom of self-loathing.
1. Forgive yourself. The first step is the easiest and – paradoxically – the hardest: you must forgive. Now you carry a lot of bitterness and self-directed resentment for no good reason. You don’t have much success when it comes to dating women. OK…but that says nothing about you as a person. The date is a
Like playing a sport, drawing, singing or coding. Some people are lucky enough to have a natural aptitude for something. This does not make them better or worse than anyone else. An attitude toward dating is one that carries a lot of cultural baggage because we’ve allowed toxic ideas of masculinity to define manhood as “how big a pussy you have.” But you can
Why People Cheat On Their Partners
It’s the same with your hang-up on how you lost your virginity. The obsession with virginity is another case of toxic masculinity rearing its head. Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of, it just means there is an experience you haven’t had yet. Divorcing the cultural baggage and losing one’s innocence is no different than, say, riding a roller coaster. Some rode one first and loved it. Others rode one before and
Him Some people don’t travel until late in life and realize it’s amazing and others don’t see what the big deal is. It just becomes a problem because we get caught up in all these ideas of what it means.
The fact that you lost your virginity to an escort is another way to beat yourself up. As long as everyone is safe (physically and emotionally…more on that in a second) and consenting, they’re all for sex work. But visiting the escort itself is not the problem, the problem can be
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You do Getting your itch scratched is one thing, but it sounds like you might be using it as a way to punish yourself. You long for intimacy, but you
You know that visiting them will make you feel worse about yourself, and you will. Wallowing in that misery and making yourself feel like shit is a form of self-harm and one that is incredibly self-reinforcing.
That bike. So as cocky as it sounds, standing in front of the mirror, looking into your eyes and saying “I forgive you” is a power move. It’s the first step to reclaiming your emotional life and breaking out of this self-reinforcing hate spiral.
I Thought I Had Lost My Desire For Sex Until I Cheated
2. Take back control. The next thing you need to do is learn to take back control of your life. You have lived with these feelings of helplessness and despair as you
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